Behind Your Back.

A few months ago the illustrious brand manager and blogger Krysta Masciale asked me to be a guest speaker for her class of MBA students at Chapman University.  The session was on self-awareness and my particular part of the conversation was going pretty dry.  So I changed my approach:

"Raise your hand if you've ever criticized a boss behind their back?" I said.

Their eyes lifted from notebooks and they all stared at me for a second.  Then hands went up.  All of them.  Fast.

"Okay," I said.  "What are some of the things they do that drive us crazy?"

The room exploded with an easy list of dozens, hundreds, millions of criticisms about their bosses.  "He thinks he's listening but he's really just working on something else in his head!"  "She comes to us with some idea from some meeting and doesn't even bother to ask if it's possible to acheive."  "He asks me to do something and then I find out later that he already did it himself."  "She's too insensitive!"  "He's too sensitive!"  "He talks all the time and calls that 'development'!"  "She never talks to us at all!"

On and on.  Similar issues.  Contradictory issues.  A few weird issues.  Never was it so easy to develop resonance in a room.  The camaraderie was sweet...if a little toxic.

So once I had got them into a nice mob mentality I asked:

"So when YOU are a boss someday what are people going to complain about you?"

Silence.

"Oh, c'mon," I said.  "You think that every boss of every person in this room is worthy of criticism but you won't be?"

A few laughed.

"If you want to get rid of the sideways energy produced by backroom criticism you have to at least know what you're being criticized for.  If you're aware of how your unique personality, giftedness, etc. is going to naturally drive some people crazy you're a long way to being able to own it, apologize for it, diffuse it and create a more self-aware team."

This is also true for friendships, family, any type of community.  Focus on your strengths, but at least be aware of the way you unintentionally damage others.  Do this and you're ahead of the game.  It will humble you and inspire your community.  It creates the context to love and forgive-- two essential aspects of any healthy environment.

So what will your employees complain about you someday?