Ears On The Side Of Your Head

Yesterday I wrote about the value of understanding how we unintentionally hurt others.  It's the information everyone else knows but nobody offers voluntarily.  Yet knowing it makes you a better friend, family member and leader.

Not knowing just feels better.

So the question then becomes (for the brave):  how do you find out how you affect other people?

The answer is as easy as it is hard:  you ask.

This happened (albeit unintentionally) for me last week.  I was meeting with a great student leader at LMU and somehow I found myself asking:

So what do people say about me when I'm not around?

We were both joking together and having a great time so I know he could sense I wasn't going to get ticked at him.  He looked me square in the eyes and gave me two bullet points:

1.  We joke about how you talk about numbers all the time.  You always want more people to come to our stuff.

2.  We joke about how you make us bring our laptops to meetings.  A few of us hate doing that.

It was one of the best meetings I've had in months.  It was gold.  Platinum, even.

What followed was a (probably boring for him but fascinating to me) conversation about my leadership style versus some of the personalities on our team and how my behavior was making me come across.

That night I was talking with my wife and I said, "I kind of knew my leadership wasn't resonating but I didn't really know why.  Now I need to change some things so I can lead better."

Turns out, to see what others see you don't have to have eyes in the back of your head...just use the ears you have on the sides.  Ask the question, and then listen.  I come off like a corporate jerk who's never satisfied when I keep harping on the numbers.  And I'm not being sensitive to other styles of personalities when I make everyone invite their friends on facebook.  Those are solutions I have tried to solve a problem, but they may not be working like I had hoped.  And now I know.

Now, whether or not I actually change anything is something else.  I guess we'll have to wait and see...