Disruptive Leadership

A study on NPR a few months ago noted that in a classroom, children with disruptive behavior have more influence in the class than students who behaved.

If you removed behaving students from the class it made no difference whatsoever in the learning environment. If you removed children who disrupt, however, it turned the class into an unstable state—often times in a negative way.

Typically we teach kids to behave, not to create.

Yet sometimes it’s better to be disruptive than to behave.

As a leader, who do you look to as emerging leaders? Do you look for the ones who behave or for the ones who disrupt?

When Up is Down. (part 2)

"Jason," he said. "What you said really bothered me."

So I ask my friend, "What did I say that bothered you?"

And he replied, "You said that if our only dream for our life is a wife and family that our dream is too small."

A wife and kids. Like giant bullet points on the to-do list of life. Right under a steady job and a mortgage.

Now of course there is nothing wrong with getting married. I've been married for almost a year now and it is the greatest decision I have ever made in my life.

But could it be that the great adventure is not just marriage or family but what adventure you take your family on?

This is the final reason the amazing, beautiful, crafted film Up bothered me. (spoiler alert!)

Throughout the film Carl and Ellie grow old together always dreaming about going on an adventure but things always seemed to get in the way. An accident, a broken window, etc. Seemed like there was always something coming up keeping these two crazy kids from going on their crazy adventure.

And at the end of the film, in the final reveal, Carl realizes that to Ellie simply being married to Carl was the adventure.

It is a very tender moment. I heard *sniffles* all over the theater.

And I was squirming in my seat.

One thought kept banging in my head over and over again: why didn't they just sell the stupid house and go on their adventure?

But they don't, and consequently little kids are told that the only adventure you need is marriage and a mailbox.

Is it possible that marriage cannot handle the sole attention of two people's lives? I'm learning a marriage needs a lot of attention-- the best of our attention-- but not all our attention. Could a marriage be most healthy when we focus together on something greater than ourselves?

Maybe the adventure was never meant to be just Carl and Ellie. Maybe the adventure was meant to be Carl and Ellie creating as much beauty as possible in the world (including a beautiful marriage).

Maybe anything else would have been too small.

Ask. Her. Out.

So about 4 years ago there was this girl I saw across the floor of the Mayan Night club in downtown LA. She was beautiful. She had this charisma about her. She was talking to a dude way better looking than me.

It was obvious she was out of my league.

Over the course of a few months we hung out in groups a couple of times (we had mutual friends)-- groups that went to movies or out to lunch on a Sunday afternoon. We did the small-talk thing. Banter. Even a little bickering. Here was a girl who had her own opinions (even though she was wrong about everything). I liked that.

So one night I was talking on the phone with her and she mentioned this Mongolian restaurant not far from where she lived that was her favorite place to eat. About 5 seconds later I asked her out on a date to eat at that restaurant.

Date (dt) n. 1. An engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest.

It wasn't suave. It certainly wasn't subtle.

It doesn't make the women swoon. You don't have to hit it over the fence every time. But what you do have to do is...

Ask. Her. Out.

You know who I'm talking about. That girl. The young lass over there who you met at the positive environment who has similar values to you and has a nice laugh and you talked that one time and there wasn't an awkward pause until I walked up.

That girl.

I'm not going to lie-- she may not be "the one." Let's be honest: she probably isn't.

But you should still ask her out anyway.

Why? Because right now your tail is hanging where your masculinity should be: between your legs.

My favorite assignment for my students at Pepperdine is when I make them go on a date. Guys. Girls. Doesn't matter if they're dating someone. They go on a date. They don't get extra credit for doing naughty things (if I could I'd deduct points for that kind of thing since they're doing so well scoring on their own).

You don't have to marry a girl you take out on one date. Or two dates. Or even three (but then things get tricky-- nothing is worse than a post-3-date "breakup"). But still, 2 dates is a good time.

Ask her out. Be respectful. Ask her questions. Laugh. Don't touch anything. Drive home sober. Repeat.

Because if you don't someone else will and you'll have to wait until March when it doesn't work out to try again.

Don't wait until March. Now is the pre-holiday season. You've got Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines Day to make things happen.

So this week, even right now call some friends and go do something and ask the girl to come along. You can even do it on Facebook. (Honest: I've done polling).

Or if you've already done that, ask her to coffee.

Ask her to something.

Ask. Her. Out.


P.S. For a wonderful response from a ladies perspective, click on my friend Krysta's link here.

P.P.S. Happy early anniversary, Sarah! I'm glad you said "yes."

Think Different

Often times during the darker days of grad school when I would try to preserve my sanity during particularly boring lectures (which I, now a professor myself, have given my fair share of) I would load up the Apple "Think Different" commercial on my desktop and watch it over and over and over again.



I love this ad. In inspires me every time I watch it.

"Here's the crazy ones..." I'm glad they hired Richard Dreyfus to rock the narration. If you think about it, the whole commercial is a sort of toast-- like at a wedding or an awards ceremony.

We raise our glasses to genius. We raise our glasses to innovation, to strength, to the boldness and courage of the iconoclastic spirit.

And then, at the end, if our glasses are still raised, we've raised them to Apple Inc.

The message, of course, is Think Different.

And while you're thinking different: buy Apple.

Now, I'm an Apple guy. My wife sports the iphone. I'm typing this blog on a MacBook and an older iBook is in the corner of our house. I'm a fan of quality (when I can afford it) and Apple delivers.

But this blog isn't about Apple. It's about marketing and the fluid nature of our own perceptions of our needs.

The marketing industry has evolved immensely over time. In the past, the goal of marketing was to accurately describe products in a message with the hopes that people who needed those products would intercept that message and buy the product. The emphasis was placed on where and when your message was located. Exposure was the main point.

For example, if you sold coffee, you wanted everyone to know you sold coffee. You'd probably make a sign that said "COFFEE." And people who wanted coffee would come to your store.

Of course, after a while 3 guys down the street would open up their own coffee shops. Now this "COFFEE" sign just doesn't get it done. So you have to distinguish yourself from other coffees. There are lots of ways to do this: price, ingredients, etc. But there's one way that's different from all the rest. Maybe you decide to call your coffee "the best." There's no way to prove this, right? And what does that even mean? So you make a sign that says, "World's Best Coffee."



But it goes even further than this, which brings us back to our Think Different ad. This ad, if you're like me, connects to something very profound. It connects to the essence of the human spirit-- our need for progress and to do something great with our lives. If you're like me, you watch this ad and think, "I love greatness." And watching it may even make you want to be great, too.

But this ad isn't really an ad for greatness. It's really an ad for a computer company in Northern California. At best, you could say it's an advertisement for greatness brought to you by Apple. The shift is subtle. But the (not so) obvious point is to get all those feelings of optimism, strength, and rebelliousness to connect with the computer company in Northern California. That's why they paid millions of dollars to create and distribute this commercial.

The point of advertising anymore isn't exposure, it's love. And it isn't for you to love a product. It's for you to experience the emotion of love and associate it with that product.



This is a problem: when marketing strays from the product and becomes a product in and of itself. Marketing then moves from helping to advertise something that could meet your needs (or wants) and becomes a tool to create needs and wants.

And the problem increases when the best, most creative marketers and advertisers give their lives to selling computers, average movies, nylons and deodorant.

Imagine a world where our consumer appetites are so healthy that we create a new economy based on compassion instead of mere capital.

Imagine a world where the giants of business shift and buckle not at the cost of people but in order to better serve them. Not because of legislation or incentives but because of love.

Who will create this world?

Where are the bold, brave storytellers of tomorrow who align themselves with values rather than products, who desire to create better worlds not just fancier ones? Where are the people who, while they work for Apple, really do think different and ask the hard questions, take the admirable risks and live lives not of quiet desperation but passionate activism?

For a beautiful synergy of values and marketing check out www.values.com

Neo Digital Relationships

With email, texts, facebook, twitter, AIM, multiple phone lines and constant other ways of connecting (including F2F) it's easy to begin to think that since everyone's easy to contact that everyone should be easy to access.

In 2002 the average American saw over 240 commercial messages a day.

I get contacted more than that by people I know per day. And probably you do too.

Communication is becoming like Advertising and Marketing. We are exposed to so many commercials, billboards, ect. that they become numb to us. The same could be said for email, text, facebook and phone calls.

Some people have plenty of free time and few requests on their time. I know other people who get literally hundreds-- if not thousands-- of requests for their time through a plethora of mediums every single day. I am somewhere in the middle (super busy but not getting thousands of emails, phone calls and texts). But even being in the middle requires a certain set of principles to manage my time.

Everyone has their own rules, but I thought I'd share a few of mine and open it up for discussion.

First off: when I'm with people one-on-one I almost never look at my phone...and if I do I preface it with "just checking to see if it's my wife" because she's the only one with near-unfettered access to me.

Calls: I only answer my phone when I'm not one-on-one or in a meeting when my wife calls, when I'm expecting a call, or most calls from my bosses or occasionally when friends or family call. Other than that, expect to go to voicemail. People ask me sometimes, "How come you never answer your phone?" The answer: because I'm always doing something else. I'm either working, playing or relaxing and all of those demand an allotted time in my life so that I don't go crazy.

Voicemails: I actually listen to all of my voicemails. But almost never immediately. Sometimes it takes up to a week. I like voicemails where people want to tell me a funny story or just say "hi." I got a voicemail from a friend yesterday who just wanted to share something exciting that happened in his life. It made my day. I hate voicemails that say "call me now." Just text me.

Texts: This is the most direct way to contact me. A note to say "hi." Or a question that may require a call or an email or a quick text back. I respond to 90% of my texts within 24 hours. 5% I respond to within a few days. Some texts I never respond to.

Email: if you want to hear back from me between 5 minutes and 5 days an email usually works.

Facebook: my email and phone number are on facebook. Please use those options other than facebook messaging me, unless you just want to say 'hi.' Checking my facebook mail just becomes another thing I don't want to look at. Although I don't mind links, pokes or whatever on my wall. I look at those when I'm relaxing.

Unavailable: There are times when I am absolutely unavailable. On dates my wife and I turn our phones off. When we go to Disneyland we don't even take our phones in the park. People always say, "But what if there's an emergency?!" We forget that 10 years ago we didn't have cell phones and the world still turned. Disconnecting from the matrix is more important than the remote chance of a bomb heading towards Disneyland and us not knowing about it.

Emergencies: I can be reached almost immediately if they let me know it's an emergency. Just say so...but not in voicemail.

Persistence: One time a guy I didn't know called me and asked me to call him back. I didn't. I didn't know who he was or why he was calling. A few weeks later he complained about it to a mutual friend of ours. This is way more annoying than people who don't answer their phones. If you really want to talk to someone, give them a reason to call you back.

Mistakes: Often times I make mistakes. There are people I should call back that I don't. People I promise to email back and then life gets crazy (which becomes a frequent excuse). The rules above are actually designed to help minimize those mistakes so that people don't feel lied to or brushed off, while maintaining a sense of boundaries and control over my own time. In fact, I'm open to suggestions to help serve people better-- so any help would be great.

Bottom line: Everyone has to have a filter for how to respond and many people receive more in a day than can possibly be returned. Don't assume you demand a response. There are several people in my life who I know aren't available to me unless I go through the proper channels. That number is increasing. It's not that I'm not important to them, it's that we all have lives to live and a finite amount of time to live them in.

Would love to hear other people's thoughts and maybe a few rules that you follow for yourself.