Where Lists Dare To Tread.

Ever spent time with someone and there were so many things you wanted to talk about? Sometimes what you want to discuss isn't crazy vital or anything: they're just nice things to ask about or talk about.

Other things, though, are important. These are the conversations that are often times most important...

...yet they can happen so infrequently.

Well, here's a way to make them more frequent: bring a list.

I do this mostly with my friend/boss Eric Bryant (whose funny, insightful and spiritually nourishing blog can be found here). He's super busy but still makes time for me and so I try to honor that time by-- you guessed it-- bringing a list.

The list keeps me focused. The list keeps me asking the questions I REALLY want to ask or may be afraid to ask. It's paper clarity and paper courage and (occasionally) paper humility. It also shows that I thought about our meeting ahead of time.

And it feels really good when people I serve with bring a list as well.

I was hanging out with Ryan Gilmore-- one of my best friends and one of Mosaic's great treasures-- the other day downtown. We took the Metro to eat at this market he recommended.

Now, Ryan and I can hang and talk about anything. But this particular time Ryan jumped right in and started asking me great questions about some leadership issues he was facing. Because Ryan thought about it ahead of time we both got to move forward with who we were and how we were impacting the world.

Compare that with the occasional time when I get an email or phone call or text from people saying they want to meet with me. We show up at the Starbucks or Pete's or whatever and then...there's a long lull. Often times it turns into me asking them 20 questions for the next hour until our time is up. We hug and I leave wondering why in the heck we got together.

This isn't about being busy. This about being wise. It's not about time management but about leaning into important conversations instead of avoiding, ignoring, or (most likely) simply forgetting that face time can be the most powerful time in your week.

Bring a list. And watch your work relationships, friendships, and personal development go places you didn't know lists could take you.

Hooked On A Feeling

"Well that's the way I feel."

I hear this a lot. I hear it about whether or not abortion is wrong. I hear it about religion. I hear it about the stimulus package. I hear it about James Cameron's Avatar. I hear it about everything.

"Life starts at conception. That's just the way I feel."

"All roads lead to the same place. That's just the way I feel."

"The stimulus package is a huge mistake. That's just the way I feel."

"Avatar is going to completely suck. That's just the way I feel."

Here's the problem: Just like Alanis Morissette's Ironic isn't really ironic but just a bunch of bummers, none of the statements above are actually feelings. They are opinions.

And yes, feelings can be tied to opinions. But they are never the same thing as opinions.

Happy. Sad. Hurt. Angry. Afraid. Giddy. Anxious. Excited. Depressed. Empty.

These (among countless other words to describe them) are feelings.

These are real. These are powerful. They are ever constant. We are always feeling something. Bored. Hopeful. Tired. Shy. Embarrassed. And feelings and opinions play an endless dance together to shape the way we view our world.

But they are not the same thing.

For fun, think about a few of your favorite opinions: favorite color, favorite movie, political candidate, spiritual preference, etc.

And ask yourself:

What feelings shape these opinions? What opinions shape your feelings about your opinions?

And then the next time you give your opinion, call it that instead of calling it a feeling. But feel free to tell people what you're feeling as well, because often times what your feeling is a lot more interesting than any opinion.

At least, that's how I feel about it.

What's Your Vibe?

So I was talking to a friend the other day and I thought I was giving him a compliment.

This is what happened:

His eyes grew afraid. His brow furrowed deeply and he began slowly backing away from me.

Confused, I leaned towards him to explain even more fervently that I was trying to give him a compliment-- that I was trying to say something that made him feel good...

...and the more I tried the more he shrieked away in fear.

After the conversation was over I tried to figure out what went wrong. Did he not understand the words that were coming out of my mouth? I was trying to compliment the man, for crying out loud!

That's when I realized that we spoke two different languages. We both spoke English, but he cared less about what I was saying and more about what was showing on my face. My words may have been kind but my face, in the language my friend speaks, said "I hate your guts."

Another example happens in meetings where I try to say something encouraging and it deflates the room. And then someone else might say something discouraging but everyone is nodding their heads. It's not our words. It's our vibe. Our energy.

I'm discovering that if I want to have the impact I want my word choice is important but equally important is the energy that I bring to the conversation.

So what's your vibe? Do people ever react in a way that is opposite from what you intended? If people aren't emotionally resonating in the ways you hoped-- whether that's joy, seriousness, or maybe simply understanding-- that's probably because you haven't learned to speak their language.

You may be rockin' the right vibe but missing the right words. Or you may have the perfect words but missing the right vibe.

It takes both.

Most people are more fluent at words or energy. Which one comes most naturally to you?

For more info on creating a positive vibe check out my friend Steve's book here.