I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing various challenges in our lives. About one particular project he was working on he concluded, "It's just never going to be what I want it to be."
Have you ever felt that way? In a relationship or a job or a task or project? It's definitely not the way we wanted it so we concluded that it will never be the way we want it.
About an hour later it struck me. I said to my friend, "You mentioned earlier that your project will never be what you want it to be..."
He knew where I was going before I even finished. He's brilliant like that.
So he finished my thought, "Yeah, I think what I meant was that I don't know how to make it what I want it to be."
Exactly.
How many times do I turn the phrase "I don't know how" into "I can't"?
"I can't" is so much easier. It's so final. It absolves us of all responsibility. After all-- if you can't do it why should you be expected to?
"I don't know how" on the other hand hints at possibility. "I don't know how" means that you can ask someone else. It means you might be able to learn. It means there could be brighter days.
For my friend, surely there were people he could ask who are wiser than he or have done what he wants to accomplish. Surely there's a solution to his problem. Surely there are solutions to my problems, too.
So what are the "I cant's" or "It won'ts" in your life? What if we re-examined those "cant's" and started asking "What if I could but I just don't know how yet?" What could that do for our jobs, family, or community?
Disclosure: I haven't seen all the films of 2009 that I'd like to. Most notably: Hurt Locker, Pirate Radio, Julia and Julia and a few others. But I've seen most of what I've wanted to see. So here it is-- my personal favorite films from the past 365 days.
10. It Might Get Loud
This little gem gets as close as you're going to get into three of the best guitarists in the world's minds about their craft. Beautifully done and completely inspiring if you have a musicians inclination or a love of music.
9. Duplicity
Totally overshadowed by a much worse Clive Owen film "The International" -- this poorly marketed and subversively funny film takes two rival toiletry companies and imagines them with intelligence budgets that rival the U.S. Government. Actually, it's not that hard to imagine.
8. Invictus
I am falling deeper in love with Clint Eastwood as a director. His methodical story telling style might drive some crazy...but the subtle greatness that plays out during the course of this film is worth reflecting on and Clint paints the picture beautifully.
7. Sherlock Holmes
What I'm calling the (hopefully) Indiana Jones for our generation. Shia Lebouf isn't going to be him. Brendan Frasier tried to be with "The Mummy" franchise. And with all it's flaws, Sherlock Holmes is still a clever period piece that rips through it's story in a way only Guy Richie can.
6. Inglorious Basterds
Not for the vengeance stuff (I never like vengeance movies) but for the way Quinton knows how to hold you in suspense with simple set pieces and dialogue that slowly winds its way down the plot like a lazy river...that eventually drops into a amazon waterfall of drama.
5. Funny People
This movie touched me with Adam Sandler's lonely artist surrounded by nothing but stale success. The fact that they told the story and made me laugh out loud at the same time makes it one of my favorites of the year.
4. (500) Days of Summer
Best romantic comedy of the year. Sure, it was shamelessly marketed to hipsters. But a choreographed dance sequence the morning after a great night-- complete with animated birds-- has got to make you feel good. And feelin' good makes my day.
3. A Serious Man
I can't stop thinking about this movie. It is hauntingly original. It starts with a yiddish folk tale and ends with...well...it's the Coen brother's commentary on the book of Job. I loved it.
2. The Hangover
Not only is this the funniest movie of the year, it also was a pretty good "who dunnit?" film that was artfully remixed as a "what happened?" film. You didn't always know where the story was taking you...(not that you cared)...but that it actually took you someplace was totally satisfying.
1. Up In The Air
I totally loved this movie. So does the Golden Globes. So will the Academy. Go see it tonight. It won't necessarily make you feel good (I mean, I felt good...but I've heard other people didn't)...but it will make you reflect-- something increasingly rare these days.
Ever spent time with someone and there were so many things you wanted to talk about? Sometimes what you want to discuss isn't crazy vital or anything: they're just nice things to ask about or talk about.
Other things, though, are important. These are the conversations that are often times most important...
...yet they can happen so infrequently.
Well, here's a way to make them more frequent: bring a list.
I do this mostly with my friend/boss Eric Bryant (whose funny, insightful and spiritually nourishing blog can be found here). He's super busy but still makes time for me and so I try to honor that time by-- you guessed it-- bringing a list.
The list keeps me focused. The list keeps me asking the questions I REALLY want to ask or may be afraid to ask. It's paper clarity and paper courage and (occasionally) paper humility. It also shows that I thought about our meeting ahead of time.
And it feels really good when people I serve with bring a list as well.
I was hanging out with Ryan Gilmore-- one of my best friends and one of Mosaic's great treasures-- the other day downtown. We took the Metro to eat at this market he recommended.
Now, Ryan and I can hang and talk about anything. But this particular time Ryan jumped right in and started asking me great questions about some leadership issues he was facing. Because Ryan thought about it ahead of time we both got to move forward with who we were and how we were impacting the world.
Compare that with the occasional time when I get an email or phone call or text from people saying they want to meet with me. We show up at the Starbucks or Pete's or whatever and then...there's a long lull. Often times it turns into me asking them 20 questions for the next hour until our time is up. We hug and I leave wondering why in the heck we got together.
This isn't about being busy. This about being wise. It's not about time management but about leaning into important conversations instead of avoiding, ignoring, or (most likely) simply forgetting that face time can be the most powerful time in your week.
Bring a list. And watch your work relationships, friendships, and personal development go places you didn't know lists could take you.
I hear this a lot. I hear it about whether or not abortion is wrong. I hear it about religion. I hear it about the stimulus package. I hear it about James Cameron's Avatar. I hear it about everything.
"Life starts at conception. That's just the way I feel."
"All roads lead to the same place. That's just the way I feel."
"The stimulus package is a huge mistake. That's just the way I feel."
"Avatar is going to completely suck. That's just the way I feel."
Here's the problem: Just like Alanis Morissette's Ironic isn't really ironic but just a bunch of bummers, none of the statements above are actually feelings. They are opinions.
And yes, feelings can be tied to opinions. But they are never the same thing as opinions.
Happy. Sad. Hurt. Angry. Afraid. Giddy. Anxious. Excited. Depressed. Empty.
These (among countless other words to describe them) are feelings.
These are real. These are powerful. They are ever constant. We are always feeling something. Bored. Hopeful. Tired. Shy. Embarrassed. And feelings and opinions play an endless dance together to shape the way we view our world.
But they are not the same thing.
For fun, think about a few of your favorite opinions: favorite color, favorite movie, political candidate, spiritual preference, etc.
And ask yourself:
What feelings shape these opinions? What opinions shape your feelings about your opinions?
And then the next time you give your opinion, call it that instead of calling it a feeling. But feel free to tell people what you're feeling as well, because often times what your feeling is a lot more interesting than any opinion.
So I was talking to a friend the other day and I thought I was giving him a compliment.
This is what happened:
His eyes grew afraid. His brow furrowed deeply and he began slowly backing away from me.
Confused, I leaned towards him to explain even more fervently that I was trying to give him a compliment-- that I was trying to say something that made him feel good...
...and the more I tried the more he shrieked away in fear.
After the conversation was over I tried to figure out what went wrong. Did he not understand the words that were coming out of my mouth? I was trying to compliment the man, for crying out loud!
That's when I realized that we spoke two different languages. We both spoke English, but he cared less about what I was saying and more about what was showing on my face. My words may have been kind but my face, in the language my friend speaks, said "I hate your guts."
Another example happens in meetings where I try to say something encouraging and it deflates the room. And then someone else might say something discouraging but everyone is nodding their heads. It's not our words. It's our vibe. Our energy.
I'm discovering that if I want to have the impact I want my word choice is important but equally important is the energy that I bring to the conversation.
So what's your vibe? Do people ever react in a way that is opposite from what you intended? If people aren't emotionally resonating in the ways you hoped-- whether that's joy, seriousness, or maybe simply understanding-- that's probably because you haven't learned to speak their language.
You may be rockin' the right vibe but missing the right words. Or you may have the perfect words but missing the right vibe.
It takes both.
Most people are more fluent at words or energy. Which one comes most naturally to you?
For more info on creating a positive vibe check out my friend Steve's book here.
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