I wanted to go, but it didn't work out.
Actually, I can't really think of the last "goodbye" party I went to.
I have a friend doing peace work in Palestine that emailed me a few weeks ago. I have friends in South Africa that I tweet with. I have friends in Boston, Denver, New York, Phoenix and Kansas City that I talk on the phone occasionally with.
And those are just my friends that live someplace else. And those friends are totally unrelated to my work.
Now that we have email, cell phones, AIM, Skype, Facebook and Twitter it has become even harder to understand when we are separate or when we are together. Like friends who are dating it's hard to know how to define our relationships.
I now use the same technology that I use to communicate with my South African friends as I do to communicate with people who live 15 minutes away.
And we never say "goodbye."
150 years ago, if a family member moved from Kansas to California, it was highly likely that you would never see them again (and probable that they wouldn't survive the trip, anyway).
Today, I don't even go to the going away party because-- honestly-- what will really be changing? We'll still text. We'll still email. I'll get-- not just Christmas updates-- but hourly updates from my friends on Twitter and Facebook.
150 years ago I wouldn't know if you were dead or alive. Today I'll know what you had for breakfast.
Same distance. Totally different relationship.
I actually spent less time talking with my sister the first year she moved to LA with her family. We were used to talking on the phone, and when she moved 15 minutes away it felt weird to call her.
Have you ever noticed that as your social circles change and shift people tend to get hurt? You move to another city and lose touch with friends. You didn't mean to...it just happened.
But if you wanted to keep in touch you could have. You could have texted, called, emailed, skyped, Facebooked, or DM'd me on Twitter or AIM'd, visited, or-- heaven forbid-- written a letter. Yet you did none of those things.
And I just wanted to let you know that really hurt me.
Yes, you.
And that adds a lot of social pressure to maintain an ever-increasing Rolodex of people you were actually pretty good friends with for a certain period of time. Not that you can't still hold an affection for those people...but that affection will probably not be backed up by any concrete action.
And maybe that's okay.
What is the role of goobyes in a uber-transient and uber-connected society? What is the role of goodbyes in a world where goodbyes are no longer geographically necessary but still physcologically necessary? And what happens to our capacity to make new friends locally when our current social wattage is being used up by people from our pasts or who live in other parts of the world?
Maybe we should have more ruthless evaluations of our own social capacity, where we say "goodbye" to some old friends and to a very, very select few we say "We're still going to talk, even if it's once a year." Or maybe we should stop having goodbye parties and start having "our relationships are going to change and that's okay" parties.
Doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
At least on facebook.
Posts
good talk.
ReplyDeleteI really like the phrase "social wattage" -- so true! I've also heard "social bandwidth" to describe the same phenomenon. Mainly, I've always been intrigued by all the layers of friendship maintenance we choose to create; I totally agree with you that it can be really hard to juggle these things without hurting someone's feelings along the way.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing you address is how fluid these identities (meta-identities?) are, and I definitely appreciate that fluidity on an as-needed basis. Nice to know that not every move will be as torturous as "Oregon Trail" would have us believe, so we can feel out our relationship approaches as we go and never have to lose contact again. Connectivity is definitely a blessing and a curse rolled into one, with our emotional investments bringing us satisfaction as well as exhaustion. Sigh. Better than no connectivity at all, though, right?
Thanks so much for posting this!
Jason, this is great, and very true I think. I've actually had a lot of conversations about this recently. It's a tough spot to be in because it does seem "easier" to lose track of people who are geographically farther away, more so than those who live nearby--despite technology. BUT it seems like it would be more hurtful to have those honest DTR conversations with someone you don't speak with much anymore and "say goodbye". I mean what do you say? "You know, we don't seem to talk much the last few years. Maybe we shouldn't worry about being friends anymore." Ouch. And yet, if you are still "friends" with someone, but the communication fizzles out over time, in practical terms it's kind of the same thing. Less hurtfull? No "closure" as it were. Hm. Some people are for a season, but how do you explain that in a way that doesn't seem like you're saying "I'm done with you now. You are dispensible."
ReplyDeleteI find it rather interesting that my closest friends are generally the ones that don't get upset when we're out of touch. Most of the relationships with the friends I would consider "lifers" require less maintenance than new or seasonal relationships.
Good food for thought. Thanks :)